Oy! You there! Mr Savage!

Why do you dance around campfires half naked?

Why do you carry spears and jabber utter nonsense?

What's this with all the women breast feeding in public?

Why do they parade around with no clothes on? Have they no shame.

Why is it that you like to stick things through your noses and
places I don't care to mention? Are you mad?

Why, you only wear a raggedy old animal skin that, quite frankly pongs!

Why don't you be like us. Come on, join our wonderful Western world.

The land of hope and glory where Mother Nature herself resides.

Yes, Dearest Savage, I'm talking about the land of the free, home of the brave....

God Bless AMERICA!!!!!!

We can get you kitted out in new clothes. Take your pick, we got Gap, Nike, Adidas, all the big names. Throw away the animal skins.

We can teach you a new, and better language. The language of kings. English, the language of the prosperous Western World. Do away with your mindless grunting and groaning. Are you a Neanderthal or a Man, eh boy? I can tell you never went to Eton or Harvard (tut)

Throw away your spears, we have guns of all kinds. In America we all carry guns, that way nobody shoots one another!

Has anyone ever told you that you smell? eh? Well, you do. In the West we have anti-perspirant deodorants, perfumes, aftershaves, lotions, potions, and soaps, all to remove any hint of natural body odour or pheromones. Quite frankly, sweat is not right, you know, its not normal......well, its unnatural! We can also sell you, for the right price, biological washing powders that are only slightly toxic, but they do give you 'whites that are whiter than white'.

As for your teeth. Well its no good chewing on the stalks of young trees that won't get the coffee and red wine stains off that you will soon have. When we get you to, I'm sorry I mean, when you decide that you want to chose Coca Cola over water from the stream we will happily deliver a truck load. The first lot is for free, then you got to start paying for it.

What you need to do is let our American Water Companies come in and we can improve your irrigation, at a cost, and at the same time we will also add Fluoride to your water, hell you won't even have to brush your teeth then, but you might find your memory may become affected, but no more than the alcohol and drugs we ingest daily is going to do haha.

Whats that herb you are smoking? Are you insane? No, In our World we find herb smoking primative and dangerous to your health. We must introduce you to Alcohol, everybody's using it! It makes you the bees knees down at the Gentlemans Club. Yes, if you don't drink alcohol everyday, you haven't lived. You will find all this 'at one with nature' rubbish won't wash with us Yanks.

Tell your Women folk to, for gods sake, put some clothes on. Haven't you heard of 'Cross your heart bras'!?! and tell them they don't need to breast feed anymore. That's prehistoric.
What we use is powdered milk, much better for the baby, and less disgusting in public I think you agree? Yes, once you get used to sterilising its a doddle. Hey, your women might stop looking so, how can i say? Droopy!

Now, my final piece of advice that I am kindly offering you Mr Savage, is this:

This painstaking way you light these campfires of yours. Have you not heard of Calor Gas?
Do you not own a Clipper lighter?

To tell the truth Savage, I do not know how you people survive. Thank God I came when I did to rescue you people from this.....this......hell on Earth.

Its time for the Savages to become Civilized!!

I tell you what. We will wipe out the debt you owe us, kind of. You will first have to cut down on the measely amount you spend already on Schools and Healthcare and pay us a decent lump sum, for our efforts you understand. We then insist that the corrupt leaders of your countries resign (or be suicided) and let a modern day, Christian democracy take over. This will put an end to your corruption in an instant, and will introduce your people gradually to the wonders of the Western World. We, of course, will insist on having a certain amount of decision making rights, and will insist that any development done in your countries will be done by British and American companies, just like in Iraq. We must insist on ALL the contracts.

One last thing Mr Savage, Did I see you making smoke rings with your campfire to communicate with other tribes? Have you never heard of Vodafone? or G3 cellphones? Hell, I bet you still use the moon and the stars to navigate long distances. We use Global Satellite Positioning systems and 3 Litre Automobiles! Talking to you is like going back in time.

With the right leader to Make Poverty History, say...I dunno, an old Irish singer for example, and lets say, the 8 Great Leaders of the privileged world, we could turn your country around.

Before you know it, words like Microsoft, Sony, Dyson, and Nokia will be part of your everyday vocabulary. You can forget about toiling the land, and fishing the seas, we can get you great work in telesales once you perfect the Queens English. Modern Offices with air conditioning, and overtime pay so you can work even harder to give us our money back.


"Only after the last tree has been cut down. Only after
the last river has been poisoned. Only after the last fish
has been caught. Only then will you find that
money cannot be eaten."

Cree Indian Prophecy

Peace and Love in a War Torn World (let us hope we have seen the last of the Suicide bombing!)